


intellect

by zhuzhubi



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff, Bisexual Spencer Reid, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Love, M/M, Revelations Spoilers, although he doesnt say that outright, basically spencer thinking about how people treat him knowing that hes autistic and a genius, character study esque, its what i had in mind lol, mentions of drug abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:48:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28803075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zhuzhubi/pseuds/zhuzhubi
Summary: spencer learns about perceptions, expectations, and love
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Kudos: 37





	intellect

**Author's Note:**

> vaguely based on a request i got about spencer + being protected

Spencer’s life has always been a strange dichotomy between being babied and being left to deal with everything on his own. 

He handles bills and prescriptions and responsibilities for his mother, all the while getting told that he’s too young to understand what life is like in the _real world_. He goes to university and gets degree after degree in an effort to prove his absentee father wrong then starts working as a Teacher’s Assistant, only to get talked down to by the college freshman taking the course. He gets told that he has no social skills, that his friends only want him for his homework, that he acts too much like a child to be worth including in conversations with other adults.

Spencer wants to throttle them when he hears that, feels rage burning in the pit of his stomach as his brain screams _You’re wrong. You’re wrong! I’m putting myself through college, I spent all of last year finding a good institution with high quality care, I’m keeping up with all of my bills. I have a boyfriend who asks me about my studies because I like to talk about them, not because he wants to copy my work! Just because I can’t handle parties and I ramble and I sometimes get lost in conversations doesn’t mean I’m not a person, it doesn’t mean I’m not an adult -_

But he never says it out loud, he can’t get the words out. He doesn’t feel like he needs to waste time explaining himself to people who are never going to see him as anything more than an awkward, nerdy know-it-all.

Or he wishes he felt that way, at least. In reality, he just doesn’t have the courage to. He’s too afraid of what might happen if he stands up for himself this time, remembers all too well how it backfired in high school.

Even after he meets Gideon, things don’t change all that much. He’s accepted into the FBI Academy because he’s exceptional, but he’s also incredibly aware of his dependence on his mentor. Gideon _the mentor_ who offers the opportunities Spencer didn’t know he was longing for. Gideon who encourages him when he doubts himself, Gideon who vouches for him, Gideon who steps in and says ‘if he doesn’t do well, I’ll take the fall.’ Gideon who has a special spot waiting for him on the A-team called _Dr. Spencer Reid_ \- if only Spencer can think his way through the FBI Academy first.

It’s the FBI Academy that chases Ethan away, leaving him single and alone. It’s the FBI Academy that paints Spencer out to be nothing more than Gideon’s prized protegé. The perfect little brain with 187 perfect little IQ points, all just waiting to be molded into the perfect little government agent. The Behavioral Analysis Unit’s _perfect little profiler_.

And profile he does. He solves cases, regurgitates knowledge, runs through mental algorithms a thousand times faster than anyone else can. He ignores his new teammates when they say things that are hurtful, when they both bully and baby him in the same breath. He observes their behavior almost more than he does the unsubs, soaks it all in so that he can learn to act more like them.

But then, he starts realizing that they genuinely _do_ like him. That they like it when he lets himself be himself even though they tease him about it sometimes. He starts to think that maybe he’s found his home, that maybe he’s found people who try to protect him because they don’t want to see him get hurt, not because they think he can’t protect himself.

When Tobias Hankel ties him to a chair in a shed, Spencer spends a long 48 hours waiting for them to come. And in the end it’s him who feeds them the clues, it’s him who…who is forced to shoot Hankel. It’s him who goes home to an empty apartment and uses drugs to chase away the intrusive thoughts, the flashbacks and night terrors and ever-present _nobody cares enough to save me after all._

They tiptoe around him as if he’s a petulant child, as if they’re waiting for him to throw a tantrum and break his toys. They leave him alone as if he’s the alcoholic uncle who nobody likes and is much easier to just avoid. They’re protecting his job - Spencer knows that and he’s grateful for it, he just wishes they would…care the same amount about his _life_. 

Spencer relapses when Gideon leaves because ~~Spencer doesn’t deserve love and attention now that he’s -~~

for his own mental health. It’s one of those things that Spencer pretends never happened - because that’s how you make the pain go away, right?

He pretends it never happened, just like he pretends he doesn’t see when JJ rolls her eyes behind his back. Just like he pretends it doesn’t hurt when his friends cut him off or make jokes about how much of an abnormal robotic weirdo he is. He never says anything about it because he knows that they don’t _mean_ to be hurtful, because they already baby him enough and he doesn’t want them to think that he can’t take a joke.

And he knows that they really do care about him, even though they sometimes have strange ways of showing it. He cares about them too - he couldn’t imagine his life without them, he wouldn’t trade them for the world. Sacrifices have to be made for the sake of maintaining relationships, and Spencer is getting so much in return for…for putting up with being the butt of the joke a lot of the time. 

…

When Spencer meets you, it’s not like that at all. You always want to hear what he has to say, always light up when he starts rambling about something he loves. It’s…jarring for Spencer when he realizes that you genuinely love that piece of him, that you’re not just putting up with his…’annoyingness’ for the sake of the more conventionally palatable parts.

You see him as more than a mind - before you, Spencer never realized just how much his intelligence tends to overshadow all the other aspects of his person. And although it takes him a while to get used to not being able to use his brain as a mask to hide behind, he finds that he deeply appreciates the way that you see it as just another piece of him instead of the only important part.

Loving you and being loved by you gives him the confidence to love himself as a person. Not as an agent or an academic or a friend or a godfather, but as a person. As a person who deserves to be happy, to have a good life, to be comfortable, to be loved. Spencer realizes that he’d grown so used to people treating him as _other_ , that he’d almost forgotten how to receive unconditional love.

He loves you. He loves your smile, and your laugh, and the way you wrinkle your nose when you wake up next to him and get a whiff of his morning breath. He loves your happiness, wants to comfort you when you’re sad, would give you the world if he had it in his hands. He loves the way you talk to him as an equal, the way you let him have emotions, the way you don’t shy away from the less than pleasant discussions that need to be had. He appreciates that you’re always there for him when he’s struggling and support him while he heals in his own time. 

He loves coming home to you, loves being by your side and knowing that you’re by his. He loves wrapping his arms around you and pulling you to his chest, brushing your hair out of your eyes and seeing nothing but warmth looking back at him.

You make him a better version of himself, give him happiness that he never thought he’d find. That he was starting to think he didn’t deserve in life. You give him the drive to stand up for himself, the awareness that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes, the confidence to not put up with behavior that makes him uncomfortable for the sake of his friends.

You’ve long since fallen asleep when Spencer pulls the blankets higher around your shoulders and readjusts the pillow beneath your head. He presses a kiss to your forehead, thumbs over your cheeks and smiles when you subconsciously nestle into his palm. _I have the whole world tucked into bed beside me_ , Spencer thinks, _And I can’t imagine ever being happier._


End file.
